January 20th, 2007
This parenting thing is really tough. I want to be able to easily convey what my kids need to hear in order to go with the flow and climb the emotional scale when needed. I am still getting the hang of it and find, at times, that I just am not sure what to say to help in a moment of crisis. I know what needs to be done in the long run, but in the immediate issue, I can have problems providing what would help.
I posted this to a couple of different place where Abe-ites 
hang out in hopes of gleaning some valuable insight. I am posting my post here and will add information as it becomes available because I KNOW I can’t be the only parent trying to muddle their way through getting Abraham down and also being concerned about not messing up their children’s internal guidance.
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Hi Everyone,
I am hoping that someone on the list will be able to help me figure out what I can do or say to help my daughter.
Jen is just about 10 and has always had a fear of sleeping over at friend’s houses. She was all psyched up for going to a sleep over birthday party at a friends house that she has been to many times. She knew about 1/2 the people who were going to be there. She has always seemed to be quite the homebody and doesn’t really like trying new things and places unless mom or dad is within view. As a little kid, that is okay, but she hasn’t really found a way to work through this need as she gets older and it is causing problems for her. She always seems to have the “what if I don’t do it the right way and look stupid and then will be embarrassed” current going through her.
Before she left, I did all I could to make sure she was set to go. We ripped her night time CD so she could listen to it on her ipod (she needs it as part of her night time routine). It was all going well until I said that if she decided she wanted to come home, she would have to call by 11pm because I would be going to sleep. I could tell at that time, that it caused her to start worrying. (She is my little worry wart child).
I dropped her off and she looked a little apprehensive but went right upstairs with the other party goers.
At around 10:10, I got a call from her saying that she wanted me to come pick her up. She was crying by the time we got to the car because she wanted to stay but she was afraid that she would change her mind after 11pm and then be upset and crying and would be embarrassed in front of all the people there. She is a major “what if” kid and always focuses on the major negative things that could happen. I have a hard time with that, because I don’t do that at all so I don’t know how to help her climb out of that.
When we got home, she was beyond upset. I offered several times to take her back (they wouldn’t have minded) but that just made her more upset. There were so many things going on in her, I didn’t know how to help. She was tired and really wanted to sleep, but they said that they were going to stay up all night long so that stressed her out. They hadn’t done all the stuff that they were going to do with the festivities so she was upset that she missed all that. She was really upset that she really wanted to stay but couldn’t get over that fear of staying. She was upset that she was going to miss the birthday breakfast. She was afraid that no one would ever invite her to another sleep over because they would think that she would never stay. All this tumbled out in about a 5 minute period. I tried my best to get her into bed because she really needed to sleep and re connect.
It was kind of funny. At one time, she decided that there was a particular “Ask and it is given” card that she liked so I let her take it to her room. It is the one that says “I will reach for the best-feeling thought I have access to” I pointed it out to her right before I left and she just sorta growled at me LOL (understandably so)
I was hoping that she would be in a better place this morning when she got up, but not so. The first thing she said to me was “I should have stayed” She has been moping around all morning or laying on the floor looking all depressed. She did start working up the emotional scale, but unfortunately, it was by picking a fight with her brother. I really don’t want the disharmony in my house so I sorta squashed that avenue of going up the ladder. I did tell her that I realized that she was just trying to feel better, but that there had to be better ways to go about it.
I don’t know the right words to say to her to help her. I know where she needs to go, but just not how to convey it to her in a way that isn’t mom shoving it down her throat. (She is currently a bit Abraham resistant LOL)
Now that you know the background, is there anything that you can suggest that I can say or do that will help her do what she needs to do in order to get to a better feeling place?
Thanks for your help!
Vickie
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8 Responses to 'Helping A Child Up the Emotional Scale'
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Pat from PowerfulIntentions gave me permission to post her response. It really was wake up call to realize that *I* was most likely contributing to Jen’s reactions to the situation.
From the Abraham-Hicks forum on Powerful Intentions:
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Vickie,
It can be tough knowing what to do when kids do not feel good and it appears they are unable to pull themselves up and out. However, kids can do ANYTHING they make up their minds to be!
I do not know the dynamics between you and she and can only base my opinion on what you are saying here. It looks like you followed your own guidance and inspired actions and I would tweak them in a couple of areas.
In other words, I do detect a pattern here of you holding her in a certain light. ie. your references here:
(She is my little worry wart child).
She is a major “what if” kid and always focuses on the major negative things that could happen.
At this point, I would just say to her, something along the lines of: “I do not know what I can do to help you feel better. I just trust that you will when you are ready. And in the meantime, if there is something you would like to talk to me about or something you would like me to do with or for you, you let me know, ok? I will be in here.”
And then, leave her be and you go BE happy.
That way, you are letting her know you see her as BEing capable. And you are available if and when she needs and asks for your help.
And stop worrying.
Abe says, “You cannot love someone and worry about them at the same time. Those two emotions are at opposite ends of the stick.” (may be slightly parpaphrased)
Love,
Pat
Jena from the Abraham Yahoo group is allowing me to post her reply
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Hi Vicky,
Validate, validate, validate or in Abe terminology, “she is where she is”. I have an 11 year old son who is just like your daughter. I find that loving him, validating his feelings, while seeing him in my mind as perfect is the most helpful to him. Trying to get him to feel different, even moving up the emotional scale is like saying to him that he needs to be fixed, or there is something wrong with his feeling.
He knows and loves Abe, but no one wants to be told to try to feel different, even when it is done with love. I try to help him think through all the possibilities of the situations, to see which gives him the most comfort and soothes him. The more control he feels, the less powerless he feels, the easier it is for him to jump up the scale. After I validate(a lot), I always try to soothe with hopeful statements (but only when he is ready). He has trouble with sleepovers too, so I let him stay as late as he is comfortable (I am willing to have him call as late as he needs to so that he doesn’t feel pressured to make a decision) and then I take him back early in the morning so he doesn’t miss the morning fun.
There are many things which don’t feel good to him, so we spend lots of time helping him to tune into his own emotional guidance so he can find what does work for him and then we support him with that. It often doesn’t fit society’s norms for children–so this is where it really means I need to pony up my joy and belief in Source, and trusting that his guidance is perfect for him. When I trust him, when I trust me, and when I trust Source–the worry factor for him goes WAY down.
So I guess that is a really long winded way of saying, “We are where we are and all is well”..
Sending you and your little girl love and soothing thoughts,
Jena
Mary K from the Abraham Message board shared her great suggestions too
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Hi Vickie…
Both my youngest son and my youngest sister were just like
your Jen And I remember the emotional turmoil they both
suffered over this very issue. Now, curiously, my son’s best
friend felt the same way about overnights at friend’s houses…
except for our house –
and the thing I want to offer is simply totally accepting Jen
exactly where she is, and letting her know you accept her where
she is, no matter where that is. Your being accepting will open the space
for her to be that also.
The trick is being fluid and recognizing that where she is in
one moment… is not where she’ll be in the next…
and even if it looks similar…it’s not the same.
Kids who temperamentally tend toward seeing
‘what might go wrong’ are looking for reassurance
that they are okay and have some ‘control’ in what
appears to be a very unpredicatable, uncontrolable
world.
It’s empowering for them to be acknowledged
as valuable, capable and reasonable people –
and one of the phrases I’ve found defuses those
intense emotions is… “You’re right!” It probably
startles them into calming down because on some level
they’re probably ‘braced’
for adults telling them their concerns are groundless.
And while that’s maybe what they want to believe…
it just isn’t what they feel.
That phrase also opens the door for a great
conversation about the only place any of us
really have any control… and that’s in deciding
how we feel.
So play lightly yet thoroughly with her ‘what ifs’ –
encourage her to flesh out her biggest concerns and also
playfully get her to agree to flip it 180 degrees and play
out the ‘what if’ in the opposite direction too. That way
she can learn that she has choices…and she can even get
some practice at trying different ‘feelings’ on to see how they fit!
Caroline from the Abraham-Hicks list shared this with me:
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Hi Vickie-
Well, I don’t have children, but I remember friends who would go through that at slumber parties. I went home early a few times, but eventually got over that.
The one thing that stuck out to me is that she is a major “what if” kid. Maybe playing the what if game with her more, and turning those to good what ifs. I would say do this at another time, when she is not focusing too specifically and have fun with it. Maybe try playing this game with all sorts of different things when you see her worrying.
As for now, I would probably just know, really know that her inner guidance is guiding her and she needs to do it in her way. She will move up. You feel bad, and I am sure you don’t like feeling bad, so you want her to feel better. She’s on her way. She is a brilliant kid and a genius creator finding her way. You need to soothe yourself, by reminding yourself how great it is that she is having these experiences and learning her way.
I am sure you will get some great answers from people. That’s just my little bit. I can so clearly remember being that age!!
Love & hugs to you and your daughter!!
Caroline
Mary K from the Abraham-Hicks Message Board allowed me to repost her comments to me
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Hi Vickie…
Both my youngest son and my youngest sister were just like your Jen. And I remember the emotional turmoil they both suffered over this very issue. Now, curiously, my son’s best friend felt the same way about overnights at friend’s houses… except for our house –
and the thing I want to offer is simply totally accepting Jen exactly where she is, and letting her know you accept her where she is, no matter where that is. Your being accepting will open the space for her to be that also.
The trick is being fluid and recognizing that where she is in one moment… is not where she’ll be in the next… and even if it looks similar…it’s not the same.
Kids who temperamentally tend toward seeing ‘what might go wrong’ are looking for reassurance that they are okay and have some ‘control’ in what appears to be a very unpredicatable, uncontrolable world.
It’s empowering for them to be acknowledged as valuable, capable and reasonable people — and one of the phrases I’ve found defuses those intense emotions is… “You’re right!” It probably startles them into calming down because on some level they’re probably ‘braced’ for adults telling them their concerns are groundless. And while that’s maybe what they want to believe… it just isn’t what they feel.
That phrase also opens the door for a great conversation about the only place any of us really have any control… and that’s in deciding how we feel.
So play lightly yet thoroughly with her ‘what ifs’ — encourage her to flesh out her biggest concerns and also playfully get her to agree to flip it 180 degrees and play out the ‘what if’ in the opposite direction too. That way she can learn that she has choices…and she can even get some practice at trying different ‘feelings’ on to see how they fit!
Another member on the Abraham List shared this advice:
Hi Vickie,
difficult to express what I mean in a few words, but I will try anyhow.
I’d either be empathic with her, without judging helping her see her need behind the emotions, and totally accepting that (”So you are sad/afraid because you really want to be loved and accepted” – connecting the feeling to the need/desire instead of the trigger is a great fork!), and without pushing helping her to focus on why love, acceptance etc are so great and precious to her. That would be the approach of NVC. Some need consciousness may also give her more clarity on what she really wants and help her deal more offensively with similar situations (such as telling the other kids about her conflict and say that it would be really important for her to be reassured that she is still ok even if she leaves).
Or I’d let her think about why she likes the people she really likes (because they are who they are, or because they act like she wants?) and do an imaginary exercise with her where she is in a place she likes (perspective from her eyes) and help her in the picture put all the people whom she likes and who like her around her, with open arms, and she can ask them if they like her no matter what. In this picture, there are lots of people around her, more than she can ever befriend, and there will always be some very close to her such as family and close friends, some who are okay as class or sport mates, some even further away – and that’s okay, because there is no need for all little girls in the US to adore her. If someone for some reason or the other drops out of the inner circe, thats sad at first, but his place will be filled again. There are many out there (let her picture that) whom she doesn’t even know, but who carry a heart (or whatever symbol feels good), who would be perfect friends. And she won’t even have the time to ever get to know all those heart bearers. If she can really feel how it feels to have all these people around her and no chance to ever be alone, then thinking about the original problem should feel less painful.
By the way, this is also a great way for us adults to get along with any challenge. The idea behind it is that our instincts are constantly afraid that our life might be endangered as they haven’t adapted from life in a prehistoric world (running through the jungle with 150 people max. – then, it was a real problem if one didn’t like you anymore, because they might kick you out of the pride)!. So picturing today’s reality (difficult to starve/freeze in developed countries, always enough people, just put them in the right category in which they are perfect, free will etc) feels much better than focusing on the problem.
Katy from the Abraham List shared this
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Well…I hope your daughter is a bit calmer about it all! So normal what she is going thru. My daughter did the same thing! Mother of where she was supposed to sleep over called me around 10 (must be the magic time!) and I had to pick her up. And a few weeks later the same girl did it at our ’sleep over” at our house! You see? You never know!
Have you had a sleep over at your house yet?? That’s a great way to break her in, a bit to know what to expect.
But quite frankly the bottom line is this. Who cares? It’s not written in stone anywhere that says at such and such an age kids have to be comfortable at whatever scenario other kids are! Each one develops trust and confidence in their own stride and in the meantime focus more on what she does do and does enjoy etc etc. I also remember the whole ‘peer’ pressure thing started for my daughter in about 7th grade…broke my heart to see her upset when other kids left her out. We talked about it and then I told her, “You know…this is a good way for you to make other friends in the meantime…(neighbors, cousins her age etc), as this is something I did too at her age” And I did! Gave me more of a ‘back up’ group of friends available to me’ I also always find relating stories of yourself when you were young – in similar ‘insecure’ situations – helps immensely! They need to hear ‘adults’ who seem strong now, that they also had their times of fears and insecurity too.
And last but not least…use humor! As much as you can…I am very good at telling my ‘most embarrassing’ moments stories (when younger and now)…and she laughs, I laugh etc…and it feels good. But besides that it also allows her or you or whomever to show that it’s ok to even laugh at yourself sometimes. It’s not a ‘big deal’ – period!
As Abe would say…life is supposed to be fun…so have your daughter plan things with you and one of her friends or a few of them with things she likes and is good at….then it’s a win win!
love
Katy
Andi from the Abraham List shared this thought:
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As a child, I had, what I believe were, similar experiences to your daughter’s; I had to call my parents to be picked up and taken home. Once even at a sleepover at my aunt’s house — and my mother was there — I couldn’t stop sobbing. There was just a deep, deep sadness, and possiby fear, and a deep need to be home.
Here are a couple of tools that might help:
If it seems appropriate, you might suggest that Jen hold her
fingers, one at a time. She can do this when she’s in a tricky situation, or every night when she’s falling asleep. The thumb harmonizes worry; the index finger, fear; middle, anger; ring, sadness; and little finger, trying too hard. Holding the palm, or putting the hands together in a prayer position, is for all over well-being. This is from an energy medicine I practice called Jin Shin Jyutsu. I teach this to little kids in yoga classes and they love it.
Also, if she’s willing and interested in really letting go of it, you might try doing EFT with her. EFT actually stands for emotional freedom technique. If you don’t know how to do EFT, you can find the material for free at http://www.emofree.com. Download the manual and the instructions are in there. I would be happy to speak with her and lead her through EFT by phone, if she’d like. I’m pretty good at it and I’ve done phone work with people.
Probably most important is knowing that she’ll grow out of it. At least I did!