What about ME Dammit?!

It has been quite the week for me. I was feeling really very connected with source when the hospital visit occurred, but over the past week, I have found that the feeling has become less and less and a feeling of helplessness has become pervasive. I have been beating myself up over this as I intellectually “know better” but the what *IS* of the situation is very much in my face and is currently hard to look at with a different perspective.

I’m feeling trapped in what feels like a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” life at the moment. It is a huge “what if” circle that is seemingly controlling my life. My husband is depressed with post traumatic stress disorder. I am being told that it could be a coincidence that both times he overdosed just happened to follow an emotional Mt. Vesuvius explosion on my part. Hmmm, coincidence or not, it makes me very wary of exploding because I don’t want to “cause” another overdose. So, that in turns, translates to I can’t get upset about it all. Another major trigger for his episodes are the kids. They are typical kids who fight and scream and yell at each other on a regular basis. They are amazing souls and I see them as such through all the bickering and being kids-ness, but he can’t see them that way. So, what that leaves me with is trying to run interference so husband doesn’t get super stressed over kid behavior and cause him to enter a downward spiral. This means that I have a very hard time getting out of the house to pursue things that I enjoy doing. I have the right to be happy but I am unable to find it right here, right now, in the situation that I have going on. I should be able to be happy anyways, but it just ain’t happening at the moment.

I know what I want. I want to have my needs validated and understood. I want to do what I feel like I need to do without the stress that surrounds it all. I want Steve to be okay with my need to do this. But at the moment, in the place he is in, he says “yes go do it” because he knows I have the right to do it, but he is far from happy about it. I battle the guilt whenever I try to go out and do things and leave him at home with the kids. This is even harder than it seems as I was a happy hermit before Steve entered the downward spiral. I was happy with being home with him because he was my best friend and had been since I married him. When he entered the depths of depression, I lost that part of him. It forced me to see that I needed to find other people to interact with. People I could talk to on a regular basis in order to keep my sanity. I want the life I had back.

I am feeling that it is all about him at the moment. Maybe that is the way it has to be until he gets better. But, dammit, what about me? Doesn’t what I need and feel matter? At the moment, I am feeling very unvalidated and unimportant. We went to talk to his therapist together on Monday to discuss what can be done to prevent another overdose situation from happening again. I walked out of there feeling no better than when I walked in. Basically, he just charts his depression and I hope he will be able to communicate with me how he is feeling. I HAVE NO CONTROL over this situation at all. It is a bunch of maybes all around. Tonight, he came home with books that his therapist recommended that I read about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I immediately got pissed. And again, more to help me understand how he is processing things. I am tired of trying to understand and second guess what may or may not happen. I want to have a happy healthy family.

As I was going about my chores after this, I was comparing my anger to how I was feeling when I was feeling so connected. It felt like failure to me. But then, a quote of Abraham’s flashed through my mind:

Source energy is with you, calling you toward it all the time. So what does the call of source sound like? Harps and angels? Yes, if you are feeling pretty good. The sound of source sounds different depending on where you are. But one thing is always true. It always sounds and feels just slightly better than where you are.

Abraham-Hicks
Ashland, OR.
7/22/06B

Hmmm, maybe the anger isn’t a failure after all. It is my response to looking at what is and feeling helpless and depressed about it all. As per the emotional guidance scale, that is actually a move in the right direction. That realization actually made me feel a little better about where I am. I am where I am and where I am is okay. (or so says Abraham ) I am still trying to internalize that one.

Through out this rant, I have really been able to focus on what it is I actually want. I just need to let the oars go and stop paddling up stream in order to allow the magnificence of what is in my vibrational escrow to come into my experience. I have several Abraham CDs to listen to so I am intending to hear just the right bit of guidance that will help me through this rough patch.

Life really is good. I really do believe that. At the moment, I am not focusing in a way that will allow me to see it as well as I want to.