Wallowing in The Contrast

It is so odd. I know where I want to be, but for some reason, I can’t see to let myself get there. I have spent the last week or so, wallowing in the contrast of what is and allowing it all to collect momentum. “Don’t worry, it will get bigger” says Abraham of not paying attention to your negative emotions. I am starting to feel the “get bigger” physical manifestations of all this upstream paddling.

It’s frustrating because I know better, but am feeling stuck in the muck. You know, the type of muck that seems to hold on tighter, the more you struggle, and when you do get free, you find that you have lost a shoe? And, unfortunately, I am finding that I am struggling in the mud more than I am allowing the stream to clear the mud away.

But I am where I am. All I can do it try and feel better, little by little. Abraham knows, and has said, that alot of our issues are due to our pasts and that the momentum of the past is keeping us from moving forward towards joy. For me, it is the past of feeling unloved and unlovable, being not worthy, yada, yada, yada ad infinitum, that keeps popping up in my now. Not so much that others are treating me that way, but rather that I am viewing things through the negativity tinted glasses. I think thoughts that are spawned from the momentum of past thoughts. I need to change the vibration around those feelings, I know this. But sometimes it is easier said than done. Hmmm… actually, as of late, it seems to be harder most of the time.

Abraham has said in one of the recent CDs how the people who have instilled these beliefs in us are people who are most definitely not allowing source in and that their actions and words really had nothing to do with us but rather a manifestation of their disconnection from source. Oddly enough, that actually does make me feel a little bit better. It wasn’t all my fault no matter what my mom said .

So, where to from here? Maybe a little more wallowing, I don’t know. But I can remember many a times where I finally reached the “fuck it” stage and said “I give up” and things just started happening for me. It’s amazing to see how things can change when you drop the oars and stop paddling furiously against the current. I’m getting pretty tired and I can feel that “I give up” coming soon. I can hear Abraham cheering for me downstream.