Reaching For Relief

I have a situation that is finally coming, slowly, to an end. My ex-husband, from over a decade ago, is in the process of filing for an annulment of our marriage. This has been a long time in the process and I have emailed with Joel (my ex) about this many times over the details and life in general.

The situation surrounding the divorce isn’t something I am particularly proud of. I am an incredibly different person now as compared to then (amazing what a decade can do!) but I was awful to him when I left. I hurt him very badly and the guilt that cropped up, after he contacted me, was considerable. I had a hard time believing that I was ever that type of person. I can honestly say that I was pretty much as disconnected from source as I could have been at the time, though I didn’t realize that was the problem back then.

And a disconnected person is a person who is in pain in other words whether you call it anger or fear or guilt or loneliness or frustration, that disconnectedness, when it is that strong, is a very strong discomfort. And so as we acknowledge something like that happening, we acknowledge that that the perpetrator of the crime, so to speak, is disconnected and we acknowledge him as wanting to be connected.

Abraham G-9.27.92

In remembering how things happened, I feel a bit disconnected now as well. The process of the annulment is a bit tedious for him. He has to get 4 witnesses to testify in writing for him and then send off the paper work and then the church gets in touch with me about it all. The thought of his family having their say about me and what happened really threw me for a loop and I was in a super grump mood about it for a couple of days.

My poor 7 year old pretty much told me like it was last night when I was really grumping at him over not much of anything at all. He told me, no, he screamed at me with tears, “YOU NEED A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP!! YOU ARE TOO GRUMPY!” Ah, yes, I guess you have a point there dear. I did go to bed earlier than usual and woke up a bit better but still leaning to the grumpy side.

It was as if I had a grumpy blanket covering me. As I stood, drying my hair, I did was Abraham talks about, trying to move thoughts to a better feeling place. I talked to myself about how I am a different person now. I told myself that they only knew me back then so their view of me is the old me not the now me. I told myself that I did the best that I could at the time. I told myself a lot of things about the situation and in the middle of it, I *felt* the grumpy blanket lift off. I viscerally felt the movement of relief. It was a bit of a wow moment to fully *GET* what Abraham talks about.

There is still some time in the process left so I am sure I will feel the grumpy blanket again. I am going to try and move this whole thing to a better place right now.

What do I appreciate about it all?

I appreciate that I got to talk to Joel and had a chance to apologize.
I appreciate that I am getting the chance to make it as right as I can.
I appreciate that we both have moved to better places in our lives where we are experiencing much more happiness than we were able to back then.
I really appreciate that Joel is being as gracious as he is about the whole thing.
I appreciate the fact that we did have some good times.
I appreciate that we did have some pretty funny times too.
I appreciate that we both agree that we would have been better friends than partners.
I appreciate that his family loves him and is doing what they can to help him reach his goal.
I appreciate the fact that I am a better person for our experience together, past and present.
I appreciate the fact that if it weren’t for our contrast filled time together, I wouldn’t be living the life that I am living now.
I appreciate that what I am feeling now is launching better things into my future experience.
I appreciate that life is a journey and it is all good if you look at it the right way.

BIG Sigh. Okay, that feels so much better to me at the moment. That appreciation reach did bring me the relief that I was looking for. I will come back and re-read if I decide to make a big hairy deal out of it all in the near future.