January 9th, 2008
*sigh* I had hoped that the red wine I consumed this evening (just over 2 large glasses – yes, I am a drinking light weight now a days) would push me off into quick sleep, but, alas, this is not the case. My mind kept going even though I really just wanted to forget what is going on in my life now-a-days. My husband decided to retire early, at the same time as me, and his med induced sleep had him out in less than a minute and snoring gently away. Snore, think, snore, think, dammit all. LOL and here I am, after dragging my butt out of bed, typing my thoughts away in hopes that I will be able to sleep once they are finally expressed.
I am at odds with myself and my knowledge of what Abraham teaches and what I know about the law of attraction. I am certain that this is a temporary contrast filled stage of my experience, but, really, I would just like to know what the answers to all my questions are.
Abraham makes it all sound so easy. Focus on what you want and it will come to you. For me, I am experiencing contrast that is truly not what I want in my life. A husband that is currently unavailable to me with PTSD. He is in a numb zombie-ish place and, in the process, I feel the need to become numb myself, in regards to our relationship, in order to deal with it all. I guess it is my expectations that I want a marriage to be a partnership that I am currently at odds with. I know that there are two perspectives for every circumstance, but I REALLY want to feel part of a partnership with my husband so I am having a hard time looking to the positive aspects of the situation at the moment. I am currently feeling like a roommate and that is not boding well with my want right now. I am working my way up the emotional scale slowly and find myself doing the zig zag from pissed off to helpless and in despair in regards to this issue. It is really a sucky place to be. I am allowing myself to be where I am, but I am not sure how to shift the thoughts to make myself feel better about the situation. I am having issues with seeing the situation okay the way it is. He needs to change his circumstances, at the current moment, in order for me to feel better. 
That IS NOT the way it is supposed to go. I need to be happy no matter what is going on, but it just isn’t happening at the moment and I am not feeling my way there right now.
It is all so complicated. I truly want to be able to view it all as source does. It would all be so much easier, but I am human, with the baggage that I carry with me that taints things. Monday can’t come fast enough for me. I have an appointment with Martha and I am hoping that, with the help of EFT, I will be able to work through this to a better place. It has really worked for me in the past, so I am hoping that it works for me again now.
Why write about this at all? I know this little post is only cementing the current circumstance for a while, but I want to let people out there know that it is okay to be human. We all have our ups and downs. So many of the LOA posters out there post with all positive outlooks. You can be human and do the positive / negative viewpoint thing and still succeed in what you want in life. I am mostly positive. This negative slide will not throw me totally off the LOA “what I want in life” track. I know, with all my heart, that in the end, everything will be okay. It always is. I would never had made it this far, if that was not the case. I guess I just want it to be less contrast filled in this part of my life. I hope that I find my way soon, because I don’t like feeling this way.
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8 Responses to 'Oh, The Contrast – I Really Should Be Sleeping'
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“Why write at all?”
I think writing is one of the best things to do when you are confused. I find writing really forces me to clarify my thoughts.
Best of luck picking yourself up. Even the best of us get down every so often. Hang in there and things will get better again
Peter
Hi Vickie,
I hear where you are coming from – the contrast we are experiencing in our respective relationships is very similar… just change the sex of the partner and it’s almost dead on.
What you say about cementing it in place may be true, but doesn’t Abraham also talk about reaching for relief? As human beings, one of our needs is to express our emotions honestly. If expressing this brings you relief, then it’s exactly what needed to happen.
Ahhh – Lyman took the words right out of my mouth!
Many times, expressing the *stuff* is part of the relief process! I need to know where I am – I need to accept where I am — knowing I don’t want to stay here – I know where I want to go…. Off I go – sometimes quickly – sometimes slowly!
Peter,
You know, you are 100% correct about “really forces me to clarify my thoughts”. This post actually caused me to do a major intentional turn around in my situation.
More to come in a post this evening…
Thanks for sharing your view point!
Lyman,
That co-creating with someone you love can be really difficult at times can’t it?! Especially when the one that you love is hurting. I can say that this is probably one of the hugest growth / learning experiences I have had in a long, long time. Through his issues, I learn more and more about myself. That is a good thing out of it all LOL
You are right about the relief factor of it all. It did help to get it out and helped me to come into alignment with what it was that I was wanting which is an awesome thing!
Ellie,
I couldn’t have said it any better! What you said there is EXACTLY how it turned out in my case and I am greatful for the contrast. Not so cool in the midst but I am finding that I am moving out of the situations at a MUCH quicker pace than ever before.
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Hi Vickie,
I agree with everyone above, so do psychologists, that “getting it off your chest” is a good thing. I admire you for constantly putting yourself out there and sharing your personal experiences.
I too have personal experiences to share. However I by sharing some in the past, the mother of my children have used that information in legal issues and I’m hesitant to share once again to avoid giving her ammunition. I feel that I am about to cross that line soon.
I’m working on that relationship as well.
Blessed be.