I Want To See Clearly…

Okay. Something is really up, but I am not exactly sure where it is coming from. Honestly, I think I am doing really well most of the time. Until, that is, something crops up and pops me on the head, out of the blue… or out of the oblivious as Abraham is fond of saying.

I think my husband’s illness is wearing me down. I want to be okay with it all, and feel that I am, most of the time. But when I am not okay with it, boy, am I NOT okay with it all. I currently have a strong stress undercurrent going on about it all. It’s kind of funny and kind of annoying in an “I did that” sort of way. Right now the stress is manifesting in facial twitching - not anything that anyone would really notice but me. The more stressed I get, the more I twitch. Fun.

My husband and I can, and do, discuss all this. The communication is there and it is always a case of both of us being heard and understood. It’s a loving, understanding conversation, but, unfortunately, at this point, there is only so much that he can do to sort things out. He’s trying to get to where he wants to be and his lack of getting there is not due to unwillingness or lack of effort.

I am at a point where I realize that where I am is not where I want to be. I know that my happiness is up to me no matter what the circumstances are. I’m not able to get there right now and it bothers me. I felt the fool yesterday when I was driving home and started crying when “I Can See Clearly” by Jimmy Nash started playing on the radio.

I have been tapping on all the issues on a regular basis, but the fact stands that he is unable to be there for me emotionally or physically. I am tired of tapping on the same issues over and over again. For some reason, my stress over it all keeps coming back. I just want to be okay with it all. I want to be happy no matter what is going on around me. It’s my choice to stay or go and I have chosen to stay. I am just muddling my way to seeing the situation clearly. I am so ready for my blue skies and rainbows, but keep seeing the obstacles instead.

I’ll get there….. eventually. The solution will come, I know. Sigh….