Archive for the 'Relationships' Category

June was hard. VERY hard. Despite the darkness of that month, I am thankful for that contrast. It has helped me reaffirm that everything really does turn out in the end. The how or when may not be blatantly obvious, but it WILL turn out okay. Sometimes, it is hard to keep that faith when you are in the middle of something that shakes you to your core .

My husband has been trying to find level for the past year and a half. We have had to endure countless, not helpful, medication changes. Some of the changes pushed him deeper into the abyss of his depression and ptsd. The medication change in June caused a crash that I was unsure he would survive. By the end of June, I wasn’t sure how I was going to cope much longer. My rose colored glasses lost their rosiness.

And then…

July came with a new med change. We have finally found a medication combination that has allowed the husband that I remembered to return. I am seeing him smile again. I am hearing him laugh. What music to my ears! You don’t realize how much you appreciate those small things until they are viciously ripped away. WE are “we” once again. I am SO thankful for level. I am a better person for having experienced this. I appreciate him exactly as he is. I am stronger for having experienced this.

It really does turn out just right, in time, if you allow it.

Related Post:
I Want To See Clearly…

So, my dear old hubby is feeling a bit under the weather with a wee bit of a cold. I always find men’s reactions to having a cold a bit of a over dramatization. Guess I am not the only one

Oh, calling 999 is akin to calling 911 over here in the states.

For your viewing pleasure! Have a great day!

I’ve come to see things a bit different as of late. My EFT therapist said that I should be thankful for all the things that are coming up emotionally for me.

The people are showing me where I need to work on myself. If I didn’t have the vibration active in my being already, other people would not be able to “make me feel” a certain way.

A “step back” evaluation of my current emotional setpoint has me seeing that there are other things at play beyond the situation with my husband. My mom is very much back in the picture right now. She has a very dramatic situaiton going on and my husband and I are working with her to get her house sold and helping her move down here near where we are.

And I am voluntarily doing this. On the good days, I am totally okay with this. On the not so good days, it totally throws me for a loop. I have seen myself become an active participant in the drama, like times gone by. Those well worn ruts are still there and I jumped my track right back into them.

A strong current, at play in me, is in regards to people not listening to me and doing things for themselves that will help them to a better place. Things that they have said would help, and not just me being bossily telling them what to do. The frustration builds up in me because they know what they need to be doing but aren’t doing it and are complaining about it and I am right in there with them trying to fix the situation in order to make my experience better.

DOH!! Major lightbulb moment for me in regards to that revelation.

The frustration builds up in me because they know what they need to be doing but aren’t doing it and are complaining about it.

Let me rephrase that.

The frustration builds up in me because I know what I need to be doing but am not doing it and am complaining about it.

I can see that is a pretty valid comment on my part. I am making the conscious effort to get out of my husband’s and mom’s boats (That “one leg in each boat” thing is pretty harrowing! LOL) and decided to get back in my own boat.

I need to put my wants and needs back into my own hands. No one is responsible for my happiness and well-being but me. I have cut back on my work hours massively (gotta love terrific employees!) and now am able to do things for myself when I want to. For a short while there, I was thinking that I had to run out and find other people to interact with or new circumstances to interact with in order to make me feel better / happier / more content with my life.

I realize that isn’t so. In doing that, I am actually running from the only situation that really matters and will make an immediate difference in my experience. My relationship with myself. So right now, I am focusing on me and feeling better right now. Being present in the NOW and not rehashing how it has been in the past or prophesizing potential future outcomes. Right now, in this moment, I can see things as they are, perfect. This moment, this second, is exactly how it should be. It’s all good and I know, without an ounce of doubt, that it will all work out okay in the end.

Okay. Something is really up, but I am not exactly sure where it is coming from. Honestly, I think I am doing really well most of the time. Until, that is, something crops up and pops me on the head, out of the blue… or out of the oblivious as Abraham is fond of saying.

I think my husband’s illness is wearing me down. I want to be okay with it all, and feel that I am, most of the time. But when I am not okay with it, boy, am I NOT okay with it all. I currently have a strong stress undercurrent going on about it all. It’s kind of funny and kind of annoying in an “I did that” sort of way. Right now the stress is manifesting in facial twitching - not anything that anyone would really notice but me. The more stressed I get, the more I twitch. Fun.

My husband and I can, and do, discuss all this. The communication is there and it is always a case of both of us being heard and understood. It’s a loving, understanding conversation, but, unfortunately, at this point, there is only so much that he can do to sort things out. He’s trying to get to where he wants to be and his lack of getting there is not due to unwillingness or lack of effort.

I am at a point where I realize that where I am is not where I want to be. I know that my happiness is up to me no matter what the circumstances are. I’m not able to get there right now and it bothers me. I felt the fool yesterday when I was driving home and started crying when “I Can See Clearly” by Jimmy Nash started playing on the radio.

I have been tapping on all the issues on a regular basis, but the fact stands that he is unable to be there for me emotionally or physically. I am tired of tapping on the same issues over and over again. For some reason, my stress over it all keeps coming back. I just want to be okay with it all. I want to be happy no matter what is going on around me. It’s my choice to stay or go and I have chosen to stay. I am just muddling my way to seeing the situation clearly. I am so ready for my blue skies and rainbows, but keep seeing the obstacles instead.

I’ll get there….. eventually. The solution will come, I know. Sigh….